The Cost of Silence, The Power of Voice
Should I be putting words to paper right now? What if this ends up biting me in the ass? I can't help but carry that little thought in the back of my mind, nestled beside the internal debate of sharing my thoughts versus keeping them private. Yet, here I am, sharing my experience because I know I am not the only one. In a world that often targets us, it's vital to remember we are not alone. We’re fighting the same struggle in our own way.
Recently, I've been feeling as though my entire life, as I know it, could be ripped away in a blink of an eye. The uncertainty of it all is what chips away at me the most. Some days are better than others, the constant anxiety a dull throb, almost invisible. I feel a sense of normalcy and almost like I belong. The routine helps the most: going to work, spending time with my husband, getting some exercise, walking our dogs, reading a book, and scrolling through social media. These are the moments where the weight of my status lifts, where I can momentarily feel nothing. I prefer to feel nothing because the alternative is too overwhelming; it drains me like nothing else.
On those days, I feel like pieces of me are being broken apart limb by limb, feeling every ounce of pain in every cell of my body. Seeing news of the current immigration climate, a new decree issued that targets people like me. Reality comes crashing down. I am not wanted here; I don’t belong. A stream of thoughts replays everything in my life that has led me to this point. A longing for the day when this will no longer be my reality. The day I get to become a U.S. Citizen. And then the worry that the day will never come. What if I am one of the unlucky ones who gets denied, who faces a deportation order, or who decides to travel only to not be let back into the country? It all becomes too much, far too quickly. My brain can’t even process all the "what ifs," and then I shift back to feeling nothing. Feeling numb also hurts, because it means that the happy moments aren’t as happy. I’ve purposefully chosen to make myself feel less, but in the process, I have filtered my happiness too. It’s unfair to have to deal with this. By voicing these truths, we affirm we are not alone, and together, we can carve out a path towards a future where peace isn't just a fleeting moment.